26 degrees in Toronto today. Just sayin.
So, it’s happened again.
In the night, first a strange upside-down handstand dancing with a woman who seemed familiar, then out by the side of a highway alone, waiting for a sound from a bird. It would be a message or a signal when I heard the sound of the bird.
I say again because some weeks ago I had a dream of a parrot who was blue and red and white, and I was startled on my way to work when I saw a parrot in the window of a house just around the corner. One of those regular green ones, but still.
And stranger yet was that afternoon I got a call from an old old friend who lives now in Seattle, but when I first knew him in Managua, he lived across the street from a red and blue and white parrot who could only say one word: Loro (parrot). The most self-centered parrot ever, he could only talk about himself – loro, loro, loro.
Anyway, I didn’t post about it at the time cause I didn’t have any pictures and I wasn’t sure what conclusion to come to about the odd series of coincidences.
But today, in the afternoon in the hammock in the beautiful warm weather, having completely forgotten any dreams, I was approached by a robin.
He was remarkably bold, coming up close to me to check me out, spying me with one eye, then the other, his head cocking at all angles. And he didn’t startle but waited patiently while I got up from the hammock, went inside for the camera and came out again.
As he hopped closer and closer to me I realized he was making a sound. It was hard to notice at first, cause it wasn’t a full-throated song, and his beak didn’t actually open – it was just the faintest chirping that seemed to be coming from him cause his tail would dip slightly in rhythm with the sound. And as he got very close, I could see his throat moving every so slightly, expanding and contracting with the rhythm of the sound, beak still closed.
That’s when I remembered the dream. I was supposed to wait for the sound of the bird, and it would be a message or a signal from someone.
What signal? What message? What the heck could it all mean?
Well, guess who showed up next -
I hung around looking up into the branches of the trees, buds starting now, everything starting to bloom, and I couldn’t make any sense out of how the dream related to the funny little robin and what I could possible take away from any of it.
But I realized how happy and excited I felt at the connection – that even if I don’t understand what any of it’s supposed to mean, this sense of the mysterious magical whisperings of the universe gives me such happiness, such a feeling of peace and joy and excited possibility….
Spring has vehemently sprung here in T-dot. Three cheers for global warming say I.
Recently I’ve been feeling like this space should be more playful, more creative, more my own, perhaps. Maybe a little less pendant on the sense of something being learned, maybe more about questions in need of asking. Whatever it is, it feels like I need to allow for a bit more exploration of creative ideas, creative process.
Perhaps it’s just that I’ve been in a sudden crash on this front and want / need a place to let out my angst.
The crazy frustrating thing is, 3 weeks ago when I was working on a job, I was getting up at 5am to have some private writing time before the day began, then taking photos on my way to work, life merrily full, sprouting with ideas for posts, for writing books, for money-making craft projects, for photographs, everything bursting at the seams with energy and excitement.
Now, 2 weeks into unemployment, my time my own, the weather glorious, I am in a funk, immobilized, my heart heavy, my pen still and despondent on the page. Nothing is getting done. My heart aches dully for no reason like some ancient nameless grief remembered – What is it? I wonder. What is it? I ask in my journal, endlessly procrastinating, avoiding the many exciting projects I dreamt up just weeks, days, hours ago. What is it? I ask the mirror, my face unwashed, not even a walk or a bike ride tempting me out into the beautiful daytime.
The world outside, around me is thawing, and I am frozen up, stuck.
Today at least I was able to get myself into the back yard with some books, doing some “creative recovery” type exercises from Julia Cameron, and taking the time to finally read Art & Fear, as surely, if I could just find the right exercise / read the right phrase, all that energy and determination would come back again…..